MARCH 8TH, 1997, THE HALE-BOPP COMET PASSES. IN THE WHITE HOUSE YOU TAKE THE DRAUGHT, THE SAME WAY THE REST OF THE NATION, BRAINWASHED BY THE SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES IN YOUR WEBSITE, DOES SO. YOU FEEL YOUR SOUL ASCEND OUT OF YOUR VESSEL, SOARING HIGHER AND HIGHER TOWARDS THE COMET, AND YOUR NEXT-LEVEL BODY. TRULY, THE GENERAL UPON EARTH HAS BECOME THE SAVIOR OF MANKIND, SHEPHERDING THEM TOWARDS HEAVEN’S GATE.
MAY THE NEXT-LEVEL BLESS YOU COLIN POWELL, SAVIOR OF PLANET EARTH.
"
} else if (campaignTrail_temp.player_answers.includes(3367) && quickstats[0] < 269){
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return "THE COMET HAS PASSED AND YET YOU HAVE NOT GRADUATED. HALE-BOPP GAZES UPON YOU WITH ETERNAL MALICE. YOUR PATHETIC FAILURE SHALL BRING A SCOURGE UPON MANKIND FOR ALL ETERNITY.
"
} else if(quickstats[0] >= 350){
return "Rule 13: Perpetual Optimism Is A Force Multiplier
Holy smokes, you kicked Clinton so far he probably landed in Baghdad! You’ve achieved a really overwhelming victory here. Most if not all of the swing states are called for you by now, and Clinton has already given you a pretty dejected concession call, though Pat is calling voter fraud for some reason. You almost feel bad for him and the Democrats. It has to be a little embarrassing losing a federal trifecta
over the span of two election cycles, and amid your victory, pundits across the country now see the Democrats as the true minority party of the nation.
You don’t have to worry about them though -- you’ve expanded your party’s lead in both chambers of Congress and set things up for a rosy first two years. Your first priorities will probably be balancing the budget and finding solutions to Medicare and Social Security, though you can expect those to be a big fight, even with your huge margins. The Republican Party really trusts you at this point, though. As you give your victory speech from your DC victory party, you can’t help but bring a tear to your eye as your supporters gaze upon the first black President-elect of the United States of America.
Congratulations, General Powell. This is a beautiful next step on your American journey.
" } else if(quickstats[0] > 299 && quickstats[0] < 350){ return "Rule 4: It Can Be Done!
Your supporters at your election night rally unleash cheer after cheer as more and more swing states are called for you. You can’t keep that grin off your face as you look at the roaring crowd of Powell-maniacs, the people who propelled you here, to the victory stage, rocketing past Clinton. These are the people upon which your victory depended, and these are the people who gave America its first black president. Clinton gives you a call shortly after, and the two of you have a polite chat about the future of the nation. He wishes you well, and you do the same to him.
You’ve cleaned Clinton’s clock pretty good, and Congress has remained in Republican hands. You have a comfortable majority to handle the issues of the day, such as balancing the budget, cutting taxes, or maybe even making slight changes to Social Security and Medicare. It should be pretty smooth sailing for the first two years, and hopefully past the midterms you’ll retain control of Congress. There’s much to be done, but America seems to believe you’re the man to do it.
You’ve truly made history tonight, General Powell. As you listen to the cheers of your supporters, you truly start to feel like the title of President Powell fits you pretty damn well.
" } else if(quickstats[0] >= 270 && quickstats[0] < 300){ return "Rule 1: It Ain't As Bad As You Think. It Will Look Better In The Morning.
You go to bed thinking you lost, and wake up seeing you clinched that last state. You breathe a sigh of relief, as Alma begins to sob and Bill Bennett pops open a bottle of champagne. It was closer than the earlier polls would have you think, but you did it. You actually won. While you were sleeping, you got two voicemails. One was from Clinton giving you a pretty gracious concession call, while another was from Pat, who called you an abortion-lover. Either way you’re pretty satisfied.
It appears that Congress has stayed with you as well, despite your narrow victory overall. You’ll have a healthy majority with which to pass your agenda, cut spending and taxes, and balance the budget. Maybe you’ll even figure out a way to keep Medicare and Social Security solvent, though with the victory margins you nabbed not much will probably change on that front. Your personal mandate might be a tad slim, but you have plenty of opportunities to enlarge it in 2000.
Regardless of how close it is, you can still celebrate. You’re going to be the first black president! You’ve truly proven that even a child of immigrants can make it to the White House. Congratulations, General Powell. The nation salutes you, Mr. President-elect.
" } else if(aa[0].electoral_votes < 270 && aa[1].electoral_votes < 270){ return "Unfinished as Saddam
This is perhaps as unsatisfying as the Gulf War. No candidate has achieved a majority in the Electoral College. This is a historic pain in the ass, to say the least. It hasn’t happened since 1824. This means that the election will go to the House for the first time since then, where the party with the majority of states will elect the president.
Luckily for you, the Republicans have more state delegations, meaning you’ll be the first black president in U.S. history, and they have a majority in the Senate too so you’ll get your Vice President too. It’s a bit of a bitter pill, but at least you’ll win. You’re definitely going to be expected to govern as a true bipartisan though, which frankly is fine for you, but it’ll disappoint movement conservatives. If Buchanan gets any more ideas in four years, that definitely could be an issue. Regardless, enjoy your win General Powell, even if it’s on a technicality. Let’s hope 2000 is a bit more straightforward.
" } else if(quickstats[0] < 269 && quickstats[0] > 237 && aa[0].candidate == 78){ return "Look man, don't let them hand you no crap. When they enter that voting booth, they aren't gonna vote for you.
That’s what Earl Graves told you when you first told him that you were running. You didn’t believe him at the time, you thought the polls were too good -- but he was right. Dejectedly, you call Clinton, and the two of you have a warm chat about a campaign well-run. Bill is gracious, and doesn’t say anything offensive, but there’s still a little bit of bile in your mouth as you put the phone down. You can’t bite down the fact that a Southern Democrat just beat a black man for the presidency.
It could've been many things. Clinton himself was popular, and Gingrich probably weighed you down. Maybe your debate performance was the nail, perhaps Buchanan spoiling the vote. Maybe it was Mediscare,
or the economy, or just the luck of facing an incumbent. But there’s a little part of you that thinks it's that term you saw in the papers -- the Bradley Effect.
Regardless, this was a campaign to be proud of. You toured the nation, met the people you were fighting for in the Gulf War, and saw the greatness America had to share. Your American journey didn’t take you where you wanted, but maybe the journey is what matters. We salute you, General Powell. Here’s hoping your next battle is successful.
" } else if(quickstats[0] < 238 && quickstats[0] > 188 && aa[0].candidate == 78){ return "To be a successful politician requires a calling that I do not yet hear.
It was a hard battle, truly, but it was one you just weren’t ready to win. You’re the quintessential political general, but it seems you weren’t ready for the front lines, only the backrooms of the Pentagon. You weren’t completely beaten, Clinton’s victory has nothing on yours over Saddam. But it was still a pretty thorough whipping, made worse by the fact that it was by the man whose career everyone thought was dead in the water just a year ago.
The Republicans have retained control of the House and Senate, albeit a mildly diminished one. At least the gains of ‘94 have stayed, and Clinton will keep having to compromise with your party to get anything done. Still, the loss of a possible trifecta really, really stings. I suppose the nation wasn’t ready for a black president, as much as the early polls suggested it really might be time.
Still, this wasn’t a total wash. Your tour of America really helped you get in touch with the people, and you’re reminded of what makes this nation great. The fact that a black man ran for president and won way more states than any other ever had is historic enough. Keep your head up, General Powell. Your loss shall certainly pave the way for future victories.
" } else if(quickstats[0] < 187 && aa[0].candidate == 78){ return "I usually trust my instincts. This time I did not, which proved fatal.
You really thought you had it for a minute there. But Clinton was too popular, and Gingrich too hated, and Buchanan too angry, and it all fell apart. Just a few months ago you were looking like you were going to steamroll Clinton all the way to Little Rock. Now you’re calling him giving him a quick congratulations on his victory.
This was a really thorough curb-stomping of the Republican Party. The massive Revolution of ‘94 has been partially undone, as Democrats have a thin majority in the House now. You get the sense that Gingrich and Dole blame you for it. Inches away from Reagan’s dream of a Republican trifecta, and it all blew up in smoke. It almost makes you sick. You really thought you could have been the nation’s first black president. But I guess they just weren’t ready.
Still, try to keep your chin up, Colin. At Fort Carson in ‘81 they said you weren’t ready for command. You probably led those guys into Iraq. Hopefully Clinton can keep leading the national ship with honor, while you figure out what to do with retirement. Whatever you choose, godspeed General. It feels really bad, but try to remember that just getting here was impressive enough.
" } else if(aa[0].candidate == 79 && aa[0].electoral_votes > 269){ return "I guess this wasn't part of the script. Of all people, Patrick J. Buchanan is the one that walks away with the Presidency. You, Clinton, and presumably everyone else in the country is stunned; Pat gives an off-the-cuff victory speech, with his Brigade loudly cheering him on, that sends chills down your spine.
Presumably, Clinton has conceded to him, but you suspect something is amiss and thus hold off from doing so. If it couldn't get any weirder, as you make your way to your home computer the next morning, you notice its space bar is emitting a warm red glow, and is unusually hot to the touch; could this be a sign?
" } else { return "well this broke
send information of this to /u/astrohunch_o immediately. this cannot show up on your screen
" }